High-control religions & father wounds
8 ways father wounds can show up in adulthood
Issue #2 | Publication Date: July 11th, 2025
Key Points
In last week’s Religious Harm Recovery Digest, we discussed how being raised in a high control religion often results in “mother wounds.”
In case you missed it, you can access it: High-Control Religions & Mother Wounds
As a recap, we identified that a “mother wound” is an attachment injury occurring in the mother-child relationship.
It follows, then, that a “father wound” is an attachment injury that occurs in a father-child relationship.
Attachment wounds, in general, emerge from various scenarios such as emotional unavailability, neglect, abuse, or even overly close (i.e. enmeshed) relationships.
Just like mother wounds, father wounds can have a major impact on your sense of self, your relationships, and your emotional well-being.
While the terms “mother wounds” and “father wounds” don’t appear in formal research and aren’t clinical diagnoses, the use of this terminology helps bring additional nuance to very real relational injuries that can occur in the parent-child relationship, especially within systems that operate under a strict gender binary.
The uniquely impactful role of fathers
Here’s some of what we do know about the specific influence of fathers on their children’s development.
Research, including a comprehensive review by Lamb & Lewis (2010), shows that when a child experiences their father as harsh, controlling, or emotionally neglectful, it can compromise their felt sense of safety, erode their self-worth, and undermine their ability to trust themselves or others.
On the other hand, when fathers support their child’s autonomy by allowing them to make choices, encouraging problem-solving, and partnering in learning, they help strengthen their child’s self-regulation, planning skills, and confidence in navigating the world (Meuwissen & Carlson, 2015).
So while an attuned parent-child relationship is, at baseline, important for a child’s ability to develop a secure attachment, there is evidence that the presence and behavior of their father may be uniquely impactful.
It’s worth noting here that if you were indoctrinated into an authoritarian religion, you may actually have experienced “god the father” as a harsh, controlling, and distant patriarch, which likely impacted your sense of safety and autonomy as well.
For more info on how a “father god” figure can be damaging, you may want to check out: How Loyalty to a Narcissistic God Damages Mental Health
Patriarchy and fatherhood
A major factor contributing to father wounds is the entrenched, patriarchal belief that a father’s primary role is that of a provider and authority figure, while emotional care and nurture are seen as the mother’s responsibility.
Bell hooks, a prolific writer and feminist thought leader, illuminates this further in her writing by discussing how patriarchy not only subordinates women but also deeply wounds men, severing them from their capacity for emotional connection and intimacy (hooks, 2004).
Within high-control religions, cultural patriarchal norms are often much stronger because of the explicit emphasis on male leadership and spiritual headship (the “umbrella of authority,” if you will).
If you were raised within an intensely patriarchal system then there’s a high probability that, at best, you experienced your father as emotionally distant, the enforcer of the rules, or a dominant force of authority who was not to be challenged.
And, at worst, you experienced him as cruel, abusive, and traumatizing.
The outcome of this authoritarian, emotionally withdrawn style of fathering fundamentally distorts a child’s understanding of love, often leading them to internalize the toxic belief that love is conditional and must be earned through perfect compliance, performance, and the suppression of their authentic selves.
Father wounds & gender differences
While all children raised in high control religions are susceptible to developing a “father wound,” rigidly defined gender roles often create unique wounds between sons and daughters and especially among LGBTQ folks.
Male children born into high-control religions are often tasked with navigating specific expectations around masculinity, independence, and emotional toughness and are pressured to live up to a narrow ideal of “manhood.”
Female children, on the other hand, may have father wounds that originated with implicit or explicit messages about their worth being connected to their appearance, sexual purity, or the overall embodiment of a “gentle and quiet spirit.”
For LGBTQ children, father wounds can be especially complex, as rigid religious teachings often reject, shame, punish, or completely erase their identities.
How father wounds linger
Circling back to the premise that father wounds are attachment injuries in the father-child relationship, let’s go over a few ways father wounds may continue to affect folks well into adulthood.
1. Difficulty forming close relationships
When your father felt unsafe or emotionally unavailable, you may have learned to keep your guard up to protect yourself.
You might crave connection but feel terrified of being let down or abandoned.
2. Belief that love must be earned
If affection or pride only came in response to accomplishments, you might feel a constant drive to prove your worth.
This drive may show up at work, in relationships, or even in your hobbies and recreational time.
3. Authority feels triggering
You may either rebel against authority and feel easily triggered by control, or you might find yourself constantly seeking approval to avoid conflict and rejection.
4. Discomfort with vulnerability
If you grew up with a father who modeled stoicism, you might feel shame or awkwardness around expressing softer emotions, seeing them as weaknesses rather than normal human experiences.
Or you might be hesitant to express vulnerability because your emotions were never met with care and attunement.
5. Attraction to emotionally unavailable partners
Because we often subconsciously recreate the emotional dynamics we experienced as children, you might feel drawn to relationships where you have to “work” for love and affection.
6. Harsh inner critic
An internal voice that mirrors a critical or demanding father can keep you in cycles of self-blame, feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough.
7. Fear of failure
If love or acceptance was withdrawn when you failed, mistakes can feel catastrophic, and you might avoid risks or subconsciously hold yourself back from pursuing dreams.
8. Hyper-independence
When emotional needs weren’t met while expectations remained high, you may have learned that relying on yourself, achieving goals, and hyper-competence ensured safety and security.
Although independence can be a strength, it can also prevent you from asking for help or letting others in.
Dealing with Father Wounds
As I mentioned in my last email on mother wounds, beginning to work with a therapist specializing in attachment theory can be enormously beneficial.
Father wounds, like mother wounds, deeply affect our emotional well-being and relationships, oftentimes in ways we may not even be able to recognize.
Acknowledging these wounds with self-compassion and recognizing that you were never the problem is often the first step in healing a father wound.
For more information about how authoritarian religious parenting creates attachment injuries, check out this article: How Your Authoritarian Religious Upbringing Led to an Insecure Attachment Style
References
hooks, b. (2004). The will to change: Men, masculinity, and love. New York: Washington Square Press.
Lamb, M. E., & Lewis, C. (2010). The development and significance of father–child relationships in two-parent families. In M. E. Lamb (Ed.), The role of the father in child development (5th ed., pp. 94–153). Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.
Meuwissen, A. S., & Carlson, S. M. (2015). Fathers matter: The role of father autonomy support and control in young children’s executive function development. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 25(4), 643–650. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4558369/