Religious Authoritarian Parenting: 4 Ways It Harms Children
I was raised in fundamentalist Evangelical Christianity, which I now consider to be a religious cult or a “high-control religion.”
A big part of the indoctrination and control process of most religious cults is to influence parenting practices.
The scary thing is that, when kids are conditioned at home to obey without question, that same conditioning can be transferred to religious authority later on, even when it comes at the expense of their own needs and instincts.
Infiltrating the parenting process is strategic on the part of these group. They know that if they can influence how children are raised, then they will have a never-ending source of “true believers” to continue their work.
The primary model for parenting that my caregivers used was the work of James Dobson.
Dobson’s work was rooted in the idea that children are born with a “sin nature,” which required a parenting approach that prioritized “breaking their will,” unquestioning obedience, and rigid compliance.
His harmful ideas perpetuated parenting practices that have been deeply wounding for many children and damaging to their attachment relationships both in childhood and well into adulthood.
While Dobson was a key figure in evangelicalism, there are plenty of other harmful parenting “gurus” out there who support authoritarian practices across various religious groups. For example, Bill Gothard was a prominent figure in the IFB culture.
Not every high-control religious group has a specific person or model they look to when it comes to parenting. Some simply pass down the “biblical” mandate to bring children into compliance with the doctrines of the religion, and they prioritize that above all else.
Regardless of the source, authoritarian parenting practices are harmful.
This article explores 4 specific ways the authoritarian parenting practices found in religious cults and high-control religions can create lasting wounds for children.
What We’ll Be Covering:
What is Authoritarian Parenting?
When I use the term “authoritarian parenting,” I’m talking about a demand-forward style of parenting that prioritizes compliance and obedience over relational connection.
I’m not talking about consistent boundaries or structure in a generally safe home.
In practice, authoritarian parenting often includes:
In contrast, what’s often called authoritative parenting still involves structure and clear expectations, but it’s paired with warmth, responsiveness, and repair.
If you want to read more about these parenting styles (and how researchers define them), this open-access overview is a solid starting point: Parenting Styles: A Closer Look at a Well-Known Concept.
It should also be noted that many caregivers in high-control religion were also influenced by coercive and fear-based religious teachings during their own upbringings.
Keeping this in mind is simply a way to help explain how these dynamics get passed down but is not meant to excuse harm.
In the rest of this article, I’m going to break down four common wounds that can show up later in life: becoming hyper-attuned to other people’s expectations, feeling disconnected from your emotional world, relying heavily on external validation, and carrying a negatively impacted sense of self-worth.
Not everyone will relate to every one of these, and this isn’t meant as a diagnosis—just a way to help you identify what might be true for you.
1. Hyper-Attunement to Others’ Needs & Expectations
Children raised in coercive religious groups with authoritarian parenting practices often develop a hyper-awareness of the needs and expectations of others.
This stems from the necessity of adhering to stringent norms and behaviors enforced within the group.
Over time, you might develop a strong tendency toward people-pleasing and codependency, as your sense of safety in relationships becomes interwoven with your ability to meet others’ expectations.
This can look like:
Hyper-attunement is often about safety and trying to prevent harm, while empathy is about connection and still having room for your own needs and boundaries.
We’re going to look at two common ways this tends to manifest: people-pleasing and codependency.
People-Pleasing
Authoritarian parenting, especially when it is reinforced by high-control religion, often results in children developing a heightened sensitivity to the needs and expectations of others.
If you were raised in a religious cult, you may now find your self-worth has become directly tied to your ability to meet these expectations.
And this definitely cultivates a tendency towards people-pleasing behavior.
This is because, in such environments, any deviation from the set norms or expectations is met with strict punishment or disapproval.
Over time, you learned to suppress your own needs and desires in favor of conforming to the expectations imposed on you.
Most times these expectations initially come from authoritarian parents, but then are later reinforced by the broader high-control group, or even society at large.
Codependency
Closely related to people-pleasing is the development of codependent relationships.
Children raised in authoritarian environments often grow up without a healthy understanding of personal boundaries.
If you were raised in a coercive religious setting, it’s likely you were conditioned to believe that your value was determined by how well you could “serve” others and take care of others.
This mindset sets the stage for codependency in your future relationships, as your dynamic for forming and maintaining connection can become transactional.
If this feels familiar, you’ll probably have found yourself deeply embedded in relationships where you give too much of yourself, often at the expense of your own mental and physical health.
2. Difficulty Understanding Your Emotions
A critical aspect of a child’s emotional development is having their feelings accurately reflected and validated by their caregivers.
In healthy environments, parents attune to their children’s emotions, helping them understand and identify what they’re feeling.
However, within the framework of an authoritarian parenting style, this vital aspect of emotional attunement is frequently missing.
When a child’s feelings are dismissed, punished, or ignored, they do not get consistent practice connecting sensations and experiences to words.
Over time, that can make the inner world feel confusing or unreliable, because there was never a safe space to learn what emotions meant in the first place.
When parents consistently failed to attune to their child’s feelings, it often leaves them with an impaired understanding of their emotional world.
And this can be even more complicated for folks who are neurodivergent or living with chronic illness, especially when identifying emotions or body cues already takes extra effort.
Not being consistently attuned to in childhood can lead to difficulties:
Ultimately, this emotional neglect probably made it difficult for you to form a clear understanding of your “self.”
It may even have hampered your development of emotional intelligence, which is an essential skill for navigating social situations and relationships.
This was definitely the case for me, although I’d like to think I’ve “caught up” over time with the help of therapy and other self-development resources.
3. Over-Reliance on External Validation
Authoritarian parenting, particularly when backed with the rigidity of high-control religion, often results in an over-reliance on external validation.
When love, attention, and belonging are tied to performance and compliance, your nervous system can start treating approval as a form of safety.
Over time, it can become hard to feel solid on the inside without some kind of external “signal” that you’re doing it right.
This can look like:
This can show up later as constant striving, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome.
Constant Striving
If you were a child who grew up in an authoritarian household, you probably felt the pressure to meet high and often unattainable standards to gain approval or acceptance (even love) from your parents.
In that kind of environment, approval is not just “nice to have”—it can start to feel like a safety signal, because staying in the good graces of authority is what reduces punishment, withdrawal, or humiliation.
This stringent pattern of striving for approval ingrains a belief in you that worthiness must be ‘earned’.
Consequently, you may find yourself in constant pursuit of validation from others, even in adulthood.
And you may now feel that your value is defined by the praise or criticism of others, rather than intrinsic worth.
Over time, this can lead to persistent self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a never-ending cycle of seeking approval.
Perfectionism
Closely tied with the need for external validation is the relentless pursuit of perfection.
As mentioned above, children raised in religious cults often receive love and attention conditionally—usually based on their adherence to the strict rules and expectations set by their parents and other authority figures.
This creates a drive to be flawless, to meet every expectation, no matter how unrealistic, in a desperate attempt to earn approval and validation.
This pursuit of perfection can follow you into adulthood, pushing you to set impossibly high standards for yourself in all aspects of life.
It creates an internal pressure that triggers a fear of making mistakes, and a sense of failure over the smallest perceived flaw.
The inability to achieve this artificially constructed notion of ‘perfection’ can lead to immense stress, anxiety, and self-criticism, further deepening the original wounds inflicted by high-control religion and authoritarian parenting.
Imposter Syndrome
Another common consequence of religious indoctrination and authoritarian parenting is imposter syndrome.
This is the persistent feeling of being a fraud, unworthy of success or recognition, despite evidence to the contrary.
Day-to-day, it can feel like waiting for someone to “find out” you are not as competent, worthy, or good as they think you are—even when you are working hard and doing well.
Growing up in an environment where your worth is determined by external validation and strict adherence to expectations can leave you feeling like you are constantly deceiving those around you.
You may have been praised and rewarded for conforming to the beliefs and practices of your religious group, but deep down, you may feel like you are living a lie.
This can create a sense of disconnection from your true self, leading to feelings of inadequacy and the fear of being exposed as an imposter.
4. Negatively Impacted Self-Worth
A negative sense of self-worth is an all-too-common emotional fallout from authoritarian parenting, particularly within the context of religious cults.
Parents in these environments often condition their children to believe that their worth is intrinsically tied to their adherence to the group’s rules and expectations.
This can lead to intense feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem.
One way this shows up is through shame, which says “I’m bad,” not guilt, which says “I did something wrong” and leaves room for repair and growth.
When shame becomes the default, it can start to feel like your personality is the problem rather than the situation.
You may internalize the idea that you are fundamentally too much, not enough, or inherently unlovable, so you work hard to stay “acceptable.”
Over time, that can make it hard to trust your own needs and instincts, because self-expression starts to feel dangerous.
Here are a couple of the ways authoritarian parenting could have damaged your self-worth.
Prioritization of Compliance & Obedience
If you were raised in a religious cult by authoritarian parents, you were probably rarely praised for your uniqueness or individual achievements because, in these settings, conformity and obedience is the priority.
You were essentially robbed of your individuality, likely growing into adulthood and now struggling to see your own worth outside of the criteria for “goodness” imposed by the group you were raised in.
And as discussed above, you probably now seek external validation, as you were taught that your value lies in the approval of others—specifically, the leaders and/or your authoritarian parents.
Being Criticized for Mistakes or “Failures”
Moreover, mistakes or failures within these strict environments are often met with severe criticism, punishment, or even shaming.
This ingrains you with the harmful belief that you’re intrinsically flawed or unworthy whenever you fall short of expectations.
The continuous fear of punishment and the desire for approval can greatly undermine your self-confidence.
And now as an adult, you may continue to berate yourself for your mistakes and find it hard to accept compliments or recognition, perpetuating the cycle of low self-worth.
Starting to Recover
I’ve personally dealt with all four of these and am honestly still working through the long-term effects of a couple of them.
And if you saw yourself in any of this, I want to zoom out for a second and put language to what we just covered.
When kids are raised in authoritarian systems, obedience gets prioritized over connection, and that tends to have a lasting impact.
It can show up as hyper-attunement to other people, confusion about your inner world, a deep dependence on external approval, and a shame-based sense that you have to earn your right to exist.
In a home where love and belonging hinge on compliance, most kids start paying close attention.
If you had to live that way for long enough, it makes sense that those strategies started to feel like “just who you are,” especially before you had real choices.
If you are not sure where to start, pick one small, low-stakes practice and keep it simple.
You might start by noticing when your body tightens or you go numb, then gently identifying what you feel (even if it’s only “stressed” or “overwhelmed”) and offering yourself one validating sentence.
You can also practice one tiny boundary this week, like taking a beat before you respond, or saying “Let me get back to you” so you have room to check what you actually want.
Whatever your starting point is, I hope you can move through this with a little more patience for yourself.
Healing from the wounds that can come from being raised in a religious cult is real work, and it makes sense that recovery will take some time.
Some Possible Next Steps:
If this article resonated with you and you’re wondering where to go from here, you might consider the following options:
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