How High-Control Religions Make Women Vulnerable to Abuse
Those of us who have experienced high-control, authoritarian religions intuitively know that this type of religion makes women more vulnerable to abusive relationships.
It’s a vulnerability I have experienced both personally and have encountered numerous times professionally.
When you’re raised in a high-control religion, or even indoctrinated into a high-control religion as an adult, you develop certain characteristics to help you survive the demands of the religion.
Unfortunately, it’s these same survival characteristics that often increase vulnerability to the demands of a controlling and abusive partner.
Additionally, high-control religions end up normalizing the experience of abuse for a lot of women.
When we consider this, it’s no wonder that these religious groups make women more vulnerable to abuse in their intimate partnerships.
They’re being set up for it.
I’m going to take a deep dive into all of this in this article, but first, a quick story…
What We’ll Be Covering:
A Personal Example From My Own Life
When I was 22, I got into a relationship with a guy who was very controlling and psychologically abusive.
We attended the same church, and he routinely weaponized religious doctrine as a way of controlling my behavior.
At one point a little over a year into the relationship, I expressed an interest in taking a yoga class.
Much to my surprise, he expressed immediate alarm and said he didn’t want me doing that.
He said yoga was “dangerous” because “when you clear your mind, you’re creating space for the devil to crawl in.”
This was so absurd to me, and I thought he must be joking!
But he wasn’t.
In fact, he was so serious, he threatened to break up with me over it.
So, I didn’t take the class.
Why I’m Sharing This Story
Compared to what some women experience, this was a fairly “mild” example of controlling, manipulative behavior.
But so often, that’s exactly how it starts out.
We accept this behavior and make excuses for it, and little by little our personal autonomy and sense of self is totally eroded.
For me, I had no discernible sense of self even going into the relationship, so I continuously accommodated this guy’s ridiculous demands and did whatever I could to keep him happy.
I never stopped to consider—“is this person good for me? Is this what I want?”
I was only ever preoccupied with whether I was good enough for him and making sure he was happy.
While the above example is not overtly abusive, I believe it captures the covert nature of how power and control dynamics can easily take root in a relationship when one or both partners were raised in a high-control religion that cultivates a culture of male dominance and female submission.
The purpose of this article is to try to shed some light on just how it is that high-control religions make women more vulnerable to abuse in their romantic relationships.
While it focuses primarily on the experiences of cisgender women and people who were socialized as girls in high-control religions, these dynamics can affect anyone subjected to patriarchal control and gender-based conditioning.
These dynamics can also show up in LGBTQ+ relationships, and for many people, their vulnerability to abuse is compounded by religious trauma around sexual orientation or gender identity.
What’s Considered “Abuse” in a Romantic Relationship?
Before we go any further, I first want to clarify some terminology I’ll be using around the topic of abuse.
Abuse within an intimate partner relationship includes a range of harmful behaviors that one partner inflicts upon the other, often leading to physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, or financial harm.
These behaviors can manifest as overt actions that are visible and tangible, as well as covert tactics that are more subtle and insidious.
Both overt and covert forms of abuse contribute to a toxic and destructive dynamic that erodes trust, autonomy, and well-being.
Overt Abuse
Overt abuse involves clear and unmistakable actions that are intended to control, dominate, or harm the partner.
This can include (but is not limited to) things like:
Covert Abuse
Covert abuse, on the other hand, operates beneath the surface and may be harder to identify, yet it can be just as damaging as overt abuse.
This can include (but is not limited to) things like:
Parallels Between HCR & Intimate Partner Abuse
There are significant parallels between high-control religious groups and intimate partner abuse, furthering the point that these dynamics heighten women’s vulnerability.
When you are immersed in the culture of a high-control religion, it normalizes harmful relationship dynamics, making you more likely to gravitate toward a controlling, abusive partner.
Here are some of the parallels.
Power & Control Dynamics
Both high-control religious groups and abusive relationships operate through centralized power and control.
In high-control religions, leaders position themselves as the ultimate authority over your beliefs, actions, and major life decisions, often claiming they speak for god or have special spiritual insight.
In abusive intimate relationships, one partner assumes this same authoritarian position, dictating what you wear, who you see, how you spend money, and how you should think or feel about various issues.
In both cases, your input is devalued or dismissed entirely, and you learn that disagreement or resistance comes with consequences.
Isolation and Separation
Both high-control religions and abusive relationships rely heavily on cutting you off from outside perspectives and support systems.
Religious groups may discourage or forbid relationships with people outside the faith, restrict access to certain media, or teach that non-members are dangerous or corrupting influences.
Abusive partners use similar tactics, gradually convincing you that your friends are bad influences, your family doesn’t understand you, or that spending time with others is a betrayal of the relationship.
This isolation serves a clear purpose in both contexts: when you have no one else to turn to for reality checks or emotional support, you become entirely dependent on the controlling figure, making it exponentially harder to leave.
Manipulation & Coercion
Manipulation operates as a core strategy in both high-control religions and abusive relationships.
Religious groups may use love-bombing to draw you in, then employ shame, guilt, and fear to keep you compliant once you’re committed.
They may twist scripture or doctrine to justify their control, or reinterpret your legitimate concerns as evidence of your spiritual weakness or rebellion.
Abusive partners use these same tactics, showering you with affection early on, then gradually introducing criticism, blame, and gaslighting to make you question your own perception of reality.
Both may claim that their control is actually love, protection, or guidance, reframing manipulation as care.
Loss of Autonomy
Both situations systematically strip away your ability to make independent decisions.
In high-control religions, doctrine dictates major life choices like who you can marry, whether you can pursue certain careers or education, how you manage your body and health, and even how you raise your children.
In abusive relationships, your partner increasingly takes over decision-making in your life, starting with small things like what to eat for dinner and escalating to larger decisions like where you live, whether you work, and how you present yourself to the world.
Over time, you may find that you’ve stopped even having opinions of your own because it’s been so long since they mattered.
Dependence & Guilt
Both high-control religions and abusive partners cultivate dependence by making you feel like you cannot function or survive without them.
Religious groups teach that leaving means eternal damnation, losing your community, or being cut off from god’s blessing and protection.
Abusive partners similarly convince you that you’re incapable of managing life on your own, that no one else would want you, or that leaving would result in catastrophic consequences.
Both use guilt as a primary tool, making you feel responsible for problems in the relationship or community, and suggesting that if you would just be more obedient, more faithful, or more compliant, everything would be fine.
How a High-Control Religious Upbringing Increases Risk
High-control religions teach obedience to god, but more specifically, they teach obedience to human authority figures who claim to speak for god.
This conditioning starts early, often in childhood, when you’re most impressionable and least able to question what you’re being taught.
You also developed coping mechanisms during this time that helped you survive the chronic stress of your environment.
And it’s often these same coping mechanisms (such as compliance and deference) that make women more vulnerable to an abusive partner later on.
The reality is that an authoritarian religious upbringing conditions you to accept submission as normal, to doubt your own judgment, and to manage relationships through fear and appeasement rather than mutual respect.
What follows are some of the ways being raised in a high-control religion increase risk of later intimate partner abuse.
Normalizes Submission
High-control religions often emphasize strict obedience to religious authorities and doctrines, teaching that submission is not only required but spiritually virtuous.
When you are raised in this type of an environment, you may internalize the idea that yielding to authority is the right thing to do, even when that authority is unreasonable or harmful.
This conditioning makes you more prone to accepting dominant or controlling behavior from a partner as a natural or expected part of a relationship.
You may even interpret a partner’s controlling demands as evidence of their investment in the relationship, rather than recognizing them as red flags for abuse.
Limits Critical Thinking
Authoritarian parenting can stifle the development of critical thinking, autonomy, and decision-making skills, instead prioritizing compliance and conformity.
When questioning authority is discouraged or punished, you learn to accept what you’re told without evaluating whether it’s true, fair, or in your best interest.
This makes it more challenging for you to assert yourself, set boundaries, or make independent choices in romantic relationships.
An abusive partner can exploit this by framing their demands as non-negotiable or presenting their version of events as the only valid interpretation, knowing you’re less likely to trust your own judgment.
Controls through Fear
Religious authoritarian parents often use fear-based tactics to generate compliance–something that is modeled for them by their high-control religion.
Whether it’s fear of divine punishment, loss of community, or parental rejection, you learn early that staying in line is the only way to stay safe.
This fear-based upbringing can make you more likely to alter your behavior to keep an abusive partner happy because you’ve grown accustomed to taking the blame for problems and receiving painful “consequences” for stepping out of line.
The threat of abandonment or punishment becomes a familiar tool of control, and you may find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid triggering your partner’s anger, just as you once did to avoid your parents’ or religious leaders’ disapproval.
Teaches Conditional Acceptance
High-control religions often operate on a system of conditional love and acceptance, where your worth is tied to obedience, performance, and conformity.
When you internalize this conditional acceptance as the norm, you become more vulnerable to partners who use similar tactics, alternating between love-bombing and withdrawal to control your behavior.
You may find yourself constantly trying to “earn” love and approval rather than expecting it as a baseline in a healthy relationship.
Suppresses Emotional Expression
Many high-control religions discourage the expression of “negative” emotions, teaching that doubt, anger, or dissatisfaction are signs of spiritual failure or lack of faith.
When you’re conditioned to suppress your feelings and prioritize keeping the peace, you’re less likely to speak up about your needs or concerns in a romantic relationship.
This emotional suppression makes it easier for an abusive partner to ignore your boundaries, dismiss your feelings, and maintain control without pushback.
How Family of Origin Dynamics Increase Risk
Beyond the religious teachings themselves, the specific relationship dynamics you observed between your parents often become your template for what a romantic partnership looks like.
If you grew up watching one parent constantly defer to the other, you may have learned that healthy relationships require one person to consistently sacrifice their needs and preferences.
Perhaps you witnessed your mother apologizing to keep the peace, even when she wasn’t at fault, or watched her change her plans, her appearance, or her opinions to accommodate your father’s moods.
You may have seen conflict resolved through silent treatment, guilt trips, or emotional withdrawal rather than direct communication.
Or maybe you observed your father making all major decisions while your mother’s input was dismissed or ignored entirely.
These interactions taught you what to expect in intimate relationships, and more importantly, they taught you what behavior to tolerate.
When you see manipulation, control, or inequality modeled as normal in your parents’ relationship, you often fail to recognize these same red flags in your own dating relationships.
You might even feel drawn to partners who recreate familiar dynamics, because even when those dynamics are unhealthy, familiarity can feel like compatibility or even love.
How Rigid Gender Norms Increase Risk
The rigid gender roles enforced within high-control religions make women more vulnerable to intimate partner abuse because these religions emphasize a hierarchical structure where men are positioned as the leaders and decision-makers, while women are expected to assume subservient, supportive roles.
When you’re raised with these gender norms, you internalize the idea that male authority over women is not just acceptable but divinely ordained.
This creates an environment where power imbalances and unequal dynamics become normalized as the way relationships are supposed to function.
You may be taught that a man has the right to make final decisions about finances, where the family lives, how children are raised, and even what you’re allowed to do with your own time and body.
Women are often instructed to submit to male leadership, defer to male judgment, and prioritize male comfort and preferences over their own needs.
The concept of male headship can easily become a cover for control.
When a partner believes he has religious authority over you, he may feel entitled to dictate your choices, monitor your behavior, or punish you for perceived disobedience.
This authority gets weaponized to justify manipulation, coercion, and emotional or physical abuse, all while being framed as biblical order or spiritual duty.
You may even be told that resisting his control is the same as resisting god, making it exponentially harder to recognize abuse for what it is or to seek help.
How Beliefs About Divorce Increase Risk
In many situations of intimate partner abuse, the teachings of high-control religions create a strong sense of needing to make the marriage work at all costs.
This is yet another way that religion increases women’s vulnerability to abuse.
If you were raised with the conviction that “divorce is a sin,” the decision to end an abusive relationship becomes an agonizing struggle between adhering to the requirements of your religious group and your own self-preservation.
You may fear eternal consequences, loss of your entire community, or being blamed for destroying your family, while religious leaders counsel you to stay and pray harder, submit more completely, or examine what you did to provoke your partner’s anger.
This mentality shows up even before marriage because these groups heavily push “courtship ideology” and only dating with the intent to marry, creating intense pressure to make relationships work even when red flags appear early on.
Breaking up may be viewed as a failure of faith, so you stay longer than you should, hoping things will improve once you’re married.
The combination of marrying young and the teaching that divorce is never an option means women can find themselves locked into abusive dynamics for decades.
This mindset also results in you internalizing the blame for the abuse, convincing yourself that you must be at fault because of the expectations placed on women to “meet their husband’s needs” and be a “help meet.”
If only you were more patient, more forgiving, more sexually available, more submissive, then maybe he wouldn’t get so angry.
The pressure to maintain the appearance of a functional marriage adds another layer of shame, leading you to hide the abuse from friends and family, make excuses for your partner’s behavior, and present a carefully curated version of your relationship to the outside world.
This denial becomes its own trap, making it even harder to acknowledge the reality of your situation or reach out for help.
It Wasn’t Your Fault
When you look at all the ways high-control religions influence women’s vulnerability to abuse, what becomes clear is how these factors work together as an entire ecosystem of conditioning that operates on multiple levels simultaneously.
These factors increase vulnerability to abuse while simultaneously making it much harder to recognize what’s happening, resist it, or find a way out.
If you experienced abuse in an intimate relationship after being raised in or joining a high-control religion, what happened to you was not your fault. You were set up for this.
The environment you were in actively cultivated the very traits that abusive partners seek out and exploit: compliance, self-doubt, fear of conflict, tolerance for control, and deep conditioning to prioritize someone else’s needs over your own safety.
For many women, leaving the religion is what finally makes it possible to see the abuse for what it is.
When you step outside the system that normalized these dynamics, you gain access to new frameworks for understanding your experience.
You start to recognize that what you endured wasn’t love, wasn’t partnership, and wasn’t something you caused by failing to be good enough.
The work of healing from both religious harm and intimate partner abuse is layered and ongoing.
And it involves rebuilding your sense of self, learning to trust your own judgment, and developing the capacity to recognize what healthy relationships actually look like, all of which take time and a great deal of self-compassion.
But on the other side of that work, there’s a version of you who knows what you want, who can advocate for yourself, and who understands that real love doesn’t require you to disappear.
Some Possible Next Steps:
If this article resonated with you and you’re wondering where to go from here, you might consider the following options:
Related Articles:
-
How Loyalty to a Narcissistic God Damages Mental Health
It’s common knowledge that narcissists can take a real toll on the mental health of those they’re close to, but have you considered that perhaps the god you once served was a narcissist?
-
Understanding Religious Cult Programming + How to Recover
This article provides a detailed overview of how religious cults use programming techniques to control their members, and it also breaks down some effective strategies for deprogramming and recovery.
-
7 Subtle Signs of Spiritual Abuse
When I first began to deconstruct my faith, I struggled to make sense of my experiences. I struggled because nothing in my religious past seemed to fit the conventional idea of trauma or abuse. I hadn’t been physically or verbally…