7 signs of spiritual abuse
It can still be abuse even if it didn’t seem that bad
Issue #4 | Publication Date: September 9th, 2025
When I was first beginning to deconstruct, I had a hard time understanding my experience because it didn’t seem like anything that bad happened to me during my time in the church.
I’d crossed paths with the terms spiritual abuse and religious trauma before, but my idea of what spiritual abuse was at that time didn’t seem to fit my experience.
So why did it all feel so awful now that I was out? It felt like I had endured something deeply harmful, yet I couldn’t pinpoint a single event when I reviewed all my experiences for the source of my trauma.
In fact, I even doubted whether I actually had religious trauma.
When it came to spiritual abuse, I initially thought it had to be something that was obviously threatening or aggressive, like a pastor yelling at you or making overt demands.
However, after making the connection between the abusiveness of coercive control and the manipulative patterns found in high-control religions, I started to realize that patterns of spiritual abuse are often very subtle.
After interacting with many folks in the deconstruction space, I know I’m not the only one who has had the question: “But was it really abuse?” Like me, they felt unsure how to categorize their experiences in the church.
So in today’s email, I wanted to create some additional clarity around the various forms abusive behavior may take.
An invaluable tool in understanding this topic more clearly has been the Power and Control wheel, which is often used in domestic abuse recovery settings. I’ll link to it at the end of this email.
What is spiritual abuse?
Spiritual abuse in the context of a high-control religion refers to the misuse of religious beliefs, practices, and authority to manipulate, control, and harm people within that religious community.
Researchers Dr. Lisa Oakley and Dr. Justin Humphreys describe it as a pattern where faith and trust are exploited for the benefit of leaders or the “mission” of the religious community.
I also view the authoritarian version of god embraced by most high-control religions as a spiritual abuser. For anyone who has cultivated a “personal relationship” with him, they have likely experienced his demands for absolute obedience, threats of eternal punishment, and use of fear tactics to maintain control.
Furthermore, this authoritarian image of god serves as the ultimate model that religious leaders will often go on to mimic in their own abuse of power.
Common characteristics of spiritual abuse
Not all of these will necessarily have been present in every situation that was truly spiritually abusive.
In fact, many people typically experience just a few of these elements quite intensely rather than every single one of them.
Manipulation
Guilt, fear, or shame are routinely used to control followers. Leaders may threaten divine punishment, community exclusion, or loss of salvation to ensure compliance.
Even without overt threats, pastors may convey intimidating messages from the Bible, presented as the literal, inerrant word of an “all-powerful god,” making followers feel constantly judged and fearful.
Authoritarianism
High-control religions feature rigid hierarchies where leaders claim divine authority. Abuse occurs when this authority is weaponized to dominate followers’ lives and decisions.
This often shows up in the selective use of scriptures (particularly Paul’s teachings) to enforce compliance and silence questioning.
Isolation
Members may be cut off from outside influences, discouraged from connecting with non-members, or pressured to avoid family and friends.
By limiting external perspectives, leaders make it harder for members to question beliefs or leave the group, reinforcing control.
Exploitation
Groups may demand financial contributions or unpaid labor, exploiting loyalty and faith for leadership’s benefit.
Tithing “requirements” or mandatory service obligations, regardless of personal circumstances, illustrate this type of abuse.
Erosion of Self
Teachings about needing to “die to self” or hyper-spiritualizing self-sacrifice may cause members to internalize messages that they’re only really “good” when they essentially become a non-self.
While this tends to be a more subtle form of abuse, it’s wildly destructive because it ultimately robs people of their agency and sense of personhood.
Suppression of dissent
Questioning beliefs or doctrines is actively discouraged or punished.
This silences concerns or alternative viewpoints, discourages critical thinking, and reinforces conformity to the group’s agenda.
Withholding information
Restricting access to outside information that might challenge the group, including higher education, media, or secular knowledge is a form of coercive control.
This information control creates an environment where members lack the resources to critically evaluate teachings or develop independent thinking. Sociologist Dr. Janja Lalich describes this dynamic as ‘bounded choice,’ where it feels like you’re making free decisions, but every option is structured to serve the group’s agenda.
How this all ties together
As I mentioned at the start of this email, I see many parallels between spiritual abuse and domestic abuse because both are fundamentally about power and control.
Psychologist Dr. Marlene Winell, who has worked extensively with survivors of high-control religions, recognized the psychological damage that can result from these power and control dynamics in religious settings. Dr. Winell is the one who coined the term Religious Trauma Syndrome to describe the psychological impacts that can result from these experiences. If you’d like to learn more, I highly recommend her book, Leaving the Fold.
In considering the similar dynamics between spiritual abuse in high-control religions and domestic abuse, the Duluth Model Power and Control Wheel offers a clear visual.
So, in a nutshell, even if your pastor wasn’t screaming about fire and brimstone or engaging in overt abuse, you likely still experienced patterns of coercion and control if you were indoctrinated into a high-control religion.
And just to reiterate, coercive control is abuse.
I’ve found that naming these experiences for what they are can be deeply validating, and I hope this information helps you feel a little more grounded in understanding your own story.