Understanding parent-child enmeshment
And its complex impact on children raised in high-control religions
Issue #6 | Publication Date: October 3rd, 2025
Key Points:
In this week’s Religious Harm Recovery Digest, I wanted to unpack a concept that tends to resonate with many folks who were raised in high-control religions: parent-child enmeshment.
Even if the term is unfamiliar, I think it’s pretty likely that experience of enmeshment will probably feel familiar on some level.
What is Enmeshment?
The term “enmeshment” was coined by Salvador Minuchin, an early pioneer in the field of family therapy.
Minuchin first introduced this term in the 1970’s to describe a family system where personal boundaries are overly blurred, leading to excessive emotional fusion and a stifling of individual identity and autonomy.
This can manifest in various forms, such as an enmeshed parent relying heavily on their child for emotional support or a child feeling responsible for meeting their parent’s needs.
When enmeshment occurs during a child’s developmental years, it can hinder their ability to develop a strong sense of self, individual autonomy, and personal agency.
In more extreme cases, some clinicians use the term “emotional incest” to describe these dynamics.
While it’s normal for family members to seek connection and care from one another, enmeshed family members lack healthy boundaries with one another, increasing the likelihood of codependency developing.
Codependency in this context essentially means one family member’s “ok-ness” becomes fundamentally entwined with the “ok-ness” of another family member (i.e. “I’m not ok unless you’re ok”).
The Role of High-Control Religion in Parent-Child Enmeshment
If you were raised in a high control religion, it’s likely that your autonomy and personal agency were suppressed as you were brought into compliance with the demands of the religion.
Parent-child enmeshment is common in high control religions because these groups eradicate autonomy and personal agency. And without autonomy and personal agency, it’s impossible to set healthy boundaries, especially with parents.
Additionally, in these types of religious groups, parents essentially perpetuate enmeshment due to the pressures and teachings of their religion as well as their personal beliefs about what it means to be a “godly parent.”
They often view controlling their children’s lives is a form of spiritual guidance or protection.
Unfortunately, when children are not allowed to assert their individuality or make independent choices, they often internalize the belief that their value is tied to their compliance and conformity.
This dynamic can then lead to enmeshment as children grow up believing that their role is to satisfy their parents’ emotional and spiritual needs and expectations (even at the expense of self).
How to Recover from Parent-Child Enmeshment
An enmeshed parent-child relationship can be complicated to recover from. On one hand, you might have felt exceptional closeness and affection for the enmeshed parent, while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed by their needs or expectations.
Below are a few steps that may help you begin to recover from the unhealthy aspects of this relationship and consider whether there is an opportunity for healthier patterns to develop.
Recognize the Issue:
While identifying patterns of enmeshment may initially feel like a betrayal of your parent, developing clarity around these dynamics is a foundational step in the recovery process.
This really isn’t about placing blame. Rather, it’s about acknowledging the reality of your experience, so you can figure out how to best proceed moving forward.
Set Boundaries:
Learning to set healthy boundaries with your parents (and others in your life) is critical to recovering from patterns of enmeshment.
If you struggle with setting boundaries, you might want to check out: Setting Boundaries After Leaving Religion: The Complete Guide
Develop Your Own Identity:
Rediscovering your sense of self outside of the expectations and demands of your family will help you “unwind yourself” from your parents’ identity.
This may involve exploring new interests and seeking out new communities, which will help you to trust your own instincts and beliefs.
Practice Self-Compassion:
Feeling conflicted about beginning to set boundaries and developing your own identity is not at all unusual.
In fact, this is simply evidence of the enmeshment itself. Try to be gentle with yourself during this process.
Seek Professional Support:
It can sometimes be helpful to talk to a therapist or Religious Harm Recovery Coach to help you identify what’s healthy vs unhealthy when it comes to parent-child dynamics.
A skilled therapist can also help you begin to “unhook” your sense of emotional well-being from that of your parents’.
Remember, recovery from enmeshment doesn’t necessarily mean cutting off ties with your family altogether, although for some people going low or no contact IS necessary.
Recovery is really about you establishing yourself and your life as separate from that of your parents’ lives, and being able to make a choice about when and how to connect or engage.
You deserve to live as your own person with the freedom to choose how and when you connect.
Going Deeper
Here are a couple questions to journal about or to unpack during your next therapy session: