Why it’s hard to “feel your feelings”
A sneaky way spiritual bypassing can still show up
A Note From Megan | Publication Date: April 14th, 2026
I can’t remember the first time I heard the phrase “feel your feelings,” but I remember being distinctly confused by the concept.
As a very literal thinker, this sounded like a redundant statement. I mean, what else would be going on with your feelings if you weren’t feeling them?
Later, as I got deeper into my own personal therapy journey and also trained professionally in nervous system recovery modalities, I began to more clearly understand the connection between emotions and the nervous system—and the phrase “feel your feelings” finally clicked for me.
Parallel to this, I was also beginning to learn more about the ways high-control religions manipulate emotions as a form of coercive control. And one of the primary tactics they use to manipulate emotions is by conditioning their members to rely on spiritual bypassing.
Spiritual bypassing is using spiritual language and practices to override uncomfortable emotions.
In putting these pieces together, I came to understand that if emotions affect the nervous system and spiritual bypassing is used to control emotions, then spiritual bypassing will almost inevitably leave a lingering imprint on the nervous system.
Unfortunately, the nervous system response to spiritual bypassing is something that follows a lot of people well beyond deconstruction.
Even though you might no longer “turn it over to god” or “pray without ceasing,” you may still be engaging in practices that give your nervous system the same type of relief that spiritual bypassing once provided.
In this Note, I’m going to be talking about the concept of “non”-spiritual bypassing and how learning to “feel your feelings” can help you to develop new neural pathways that truly support long-term nervous system recovery.
What’s important to understand is that spiritual bypassing is a form of emotional suppression.
If you were conditioned to practice spiritual bypassing whenever an uncomfortable emotion came up, over time your nervous system learned that this type of bypassing—or suppressing—your emotions offered a sense of relief from the discomfort.
“Non”-spiritual bypassing ends up fulfilling the same function without the religious context.
Even though you may no longer default to religious thinking like “it’s in god’s hands,” you may still find yourself bypassing the emotions that come up around something that triggers fear, anger, or sadness.
When I use the term “non-spiritual bypassing,” I’m referring to behaviors that support suppressing uncomfortable or difficult emotions.
Leaving a high-control religion means we generally lose access to many of the spiritual bypassing practices that once protected us from difficult emotional states. But this doesn’t mean we automatically develop healthier behaviors, like “feeling our feelings.”
Instead, most of us will automatically—and often subconsciously—find other ways to keep avoiding those uncomfortable emotions.
This was definitely something I experienced in my own healing journey, and it’s the reason learning to “feel my feelings” became such an important part of recovering from religious harm.
To provide more clarity around this topic, I’m going to list out a few of the most common emotional states that tend to get bypassed in high-control religions.
For each one, I’ll give examples of what spiritual bypassing can look like and contrast it against “non”-spiritual bypassing behaviors that often take their place.
Fear
In your former religious group, you were most likely conditioned to believe that feeling fear meant you weren’t trusting in god’s plan or that he wasn’t capable of taking care of the situation you were worried about.
Essentially, fear meant a lack of faith, so you learned specific strategies to override the fear.
Common spiritual bypassing strategies for fear:
“Non”-spiritual bypassing often looks like:
Anger
You were probably also conditioned to believe that anger was something to be controlled, softened, or avoided altogether. Lots of high-control religions equate the emotion of anger with sin or admonish followers that feeling anger means you aren’t being loving or “Christ-like.”
Because anger isn’t usually allowed (except sometimes in the case of “righteous anger”), you found strategies to override or redirect it as soon as it showed up.
Common spiritual bypassing strategies for anger:
“Non”-spiritual bypassing often looks like:
Sadness
You were probably also conditioned to believe that sadness was something to move through quickly or reframe into something more “positive.” In many high-control religions, lingering in sadness tends to be viewed as a lack of trust in god’s plan or a failure to focus on what’s good.
Because sadness isn’t usually given much space, you found strategies to override or redirect it.
Common spiritual bypassing strategies for sadness:
“Non”-spiritual bypassing often looks like:
If any of the above sounds familiar, please know these experiences are common for many of us who left a high-control religion without the tools to cope with difficult feelings in healthy ways.
This is where learning to “feel your feelings” comes in, because it’s the opposite of emotional suppression.
Feeling your feelings means you’re creating some space to notice the difficult emotion that’s coming up and allowing yourself to sit with it rather than automatically suppressing it.
Sitting with fear might mean noticing the urge to escape or “fix” the feeling, and instead slowing down enough to feel where that fear is showing up in your body. It might look like letting your thoughts race without trying to solve them right away, while gently reminding yourself that you’re safe enough to stay present.
Sitting with anger might mean allowing yourself to acknowledge that something felt wrong or unfair without immediately softening it or explaining it away. It might look like noticing the tension or heat in your body and giving yourself permission to feel that energy without turning it inward or shutting it down.
Sitting with sadness might mean letting yourself feel the heaviness without trying to rush into gratitude or perspective. It might look like allowing tears, moving more slowly, or simply naming to yourself that something hurts, without needing to make it better right away.
Trust me when I say I know a lot of this is easier said than done.
It can take a lot of time and intentionality to cultivate the tolerance to sit with uncomfortable emotions, especially if you struggle to even name what you’re feeling.
If that sounds like you, maybe just start with one of these emotions, like sadness. Giving yourself time and space to feel sadness or grief and noticing how it shows up in your body can be a really accessible place to start. From there, you can try moving on to another challenging emotion like anger or fear.
And honestly, even just starting to slow down and ask, “how am I feeling right now?” and “where do I feel this in my body?” can make a world of difference.
In case it’s hard for you to name your feelings, here’s a chart of emotions I often share with my clients: Wheel of Emotions