The Painful Aftermath of Serving a Narcissistic God
If you’re reading this, chances are high you’ve walked away from an authoritarian or coercive religious group.
For some who have left, they continue to believe in god, or at least a version of god, the universe, etc, but it’s also possible you don’t believe in either god or any type of a higher power at all anymore.
Regardless of where you stand with that piece of things, I think you’ll find some valuable information in this article as we consider the adverse impact of being indoctrinated to believe in a narcissistic version of god.
A foundational piece of all this is the understanding that narcissistic relationships are typically built on manipulation, gaslighting, and impossible expectations.
If you were indoctrinated into an authoritarian religion, this may sound familiar.
This is because patterns of narcissistic abuse often mirror people’s experiences with an authoritarian god.
And that’s certainly the way it was for me during my time in fundamentalist Evangelical christianity.
In the next section, we’ll look at 5 red flags that are strong indicators you were in a relationship with an narcissistic god.
Then, we’ll take a look at some of the potential long-term impacts that folks who were in this type of “relationship” may grapple with, even after leaving the religion and the narcissistic version of god they believed in.
5 Red Flags of a Narcissistic God
For folks who have been in that dating world, you’re probably familiar with the concept of being on the look-out for “toxic traits” in a romantic partner.
And this will probably feel especially true for those of of who have experienced the pain and emotional turmoil that comes from having already been in a toxic relationship.
Our systems are now sensitized to be on the look-out for indicators of toxicity in others.
But for many of us who grew up in or around religion, even considering that a relationship with a deity could be toxic has never even crossed our minds.
The thought may even be absurd to you — at least, it would have been for me during the years I was deeply, deeply devoted to my relationship with god.
So in this section, I’m going to clearly outline some of the ways a relationship with a deity can indeed be toxic by identifying 5 of the most common red flags of a narcissistic god.
1. Demanding Absolute Loyalty
Narcissists thrive on control, and their demand for unwavering loyalty strips people of autonomy and fosters fear-based compliance.
In many authoritarian religions, teachings emphasize that doubting or questioning god is sinful.
And “backsliding” or leaving the faith may considered the ultimate sin — a sin that is irredeemable in some faith groups.
In the churches I was raised in, “turning your back on the holy spirit” was considered the unforgivable sin, and there was no saving you from hell at the point.
This demand for absolute loyalty without question or even the ability to explore whether the dynamic feels healthy or unhealthy parallels relationships where narcissistic partners expect blind loyalty, silencing your concerns, needs, and even your free will.
In churches where messages like “lean not on your own understanding” are normalized and having doubts or asking questions is actively suppressed, people can become conditioned to distrust themselves and prioritize submission and obedience above all else.
2. Distorting Reality
Gaslighting is a key tactic in narcissistic abuse, where your perception of reality is deliberately distorted, causing you to question your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
In authoritarian religions, gaslighting often shows up through mixed messages, blame, and shame.
You might be told that your doubts about the faith or your discomfort with certain teachings are sinful or wrong.
Leaders, other members, or even religious texts may suggest that your feelings of confusion or hurt are just a sign of weakness, pushing you to dismiss your own emotions.
This creates a situation where you can’t trust your own reality.
Over time, this kind of gaslighting can erode your trust in your emotions and make it difficult to differentiate between your authentic feelings and what you were told to believe.
3. Setting Impossible Standards
A narcissist expects perfection, and when you fail to meet those expectations, there are consequences.
They set impossible standards to keep you striving for approval you’ll never fully receive, creating cycles of shame.
Many authoritarian religious systems do the same.
Teachings about sin often stress that no one can ever be “good enough” for god without constant repentance.
This parallels narcissistic partners who withhold affection while criticizing every perceived shortcoming.
Passages like “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of god” (Romans 3:23) and “no one is good—except god alone” (Mark 10:18) foster guilt, keeping followers in an endless loop of striving for unattainable spiritual perfection.
4. Centering Themselves While Dismissing Your Needs
Narcissists often prioritize their own desires above all else, which means your wants, needs or painful experiences are either minimized or dismissed.
This shows up in relationships when a narcissist makes everything about them, even during your moments of crisis or celebration.
The concept that “god’s plan” supersedes all human suffering dismisses people’s real struggles and losses in the here and now.
When tragedies strike, religious teachings often redirect focus to god’s glory rather than acknowledging the very real pain people are experiencing.
For instance, when someone loses a loved one, they might hear “god needed another angel” or “everything happens for a reason” – phrases that center god’s will while invalidating genuine grief.
Also, phrases like “god’s ways are higher than our ways” silence questions and invalidate emotions, similar to a partner who centers their perspective and dismisses your feelings with, “you’re overreacting.”
5. Punishment for Disobedience
In narcissistic relationships, there are often harsh consequences for defying the narcissist.
When you break the rules or don’t meet their demands, they punish you—whether through emotional withdrawal, manipulation, or aggression.
Similarly, in many high-control religious groups, questioning the system or breaking its rules is met with punishment—social rejection, shaming, or being labeled as “lost.”
Additionally, teachings about hell as eternal torment keep followers in line through fear of divine punishment.
This is similar to abusive relationships where someone uses threats of abandonment or harm to enforce control.
As if this needed to be further amplified, there are also teachings that warn, “god is always watching,” which normalizes the concept of surveillance and often creates an internalized fear that there’s no escape from divine judgment.
Lingering Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
If you were indoctrinated into a religion where any of the above was a normalized part of your experience of god, then you may now be coping with some lingering effects of this type of abuse.
In this section, we’ll take a look at some of the possible lingering effects of religious narcissistic abuse people often experience.
1. Self-Doubt and Second-Guessing Yourself
Growing up in an environment where your thoughts, feelings, and instincts were dismissed or labeled as sinful can leave you questioning your ability to trust yourself.
Many people report ongoing challenges with decision-making, overanalyzing their choices, or seeking external validation to feel secure in their actions.
2. Fear of Punishment or “Getting It Wrong”
Even after leaving the religion, fear of divine punishment or doing something “wrong” can linger.
This might show up as anxiety over making mistakes, feeling hyper-vigilant about your actions, or struggling to relax because you’ve been conditioned to believe that perfection is the only way to avoid punishment.
3. Internalized Shame
For those who were raised with messages of inherent unworthiness or sinfulness, shame can feel like a constant companion.
This shame often extends beyond religious beliefs, creeping into other areas of life, such as relationships, career, or self-worth.
4. Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Authoritarian religions often teach that obedience is a virtue and that prioritizing your needs is selfish.
As a result, many people struggle to set healthy boundaries or feel guilty when they advocate for themselves.
5. A Deep Sense of Loss
Leaving the religion may mean losing a core part of your identity, community, and sense of purpose.
The grief that comes with losing these aspects of your life can feel overwhelming, especially if your former community rejects or ostracizes you.
6. Struggles with Perfectionism
The pressure to meet impossible standards doesn’t automatically go away when you leave the religion.
Many people find themselves striving for perfection in other areas of life, whether in their work, relationships, or personal goals, and feel intense disappointment or shame when they fall short.
7. Fear of Trusting Others or Building New Relationships
After experiencing manipulation and control in a religious context, it can be hard to trust people or open up to new relationships.
There might be a lingering fear of being taken advantage of or hurt again.
8. Spiritual Confusion or Existential Anxiety
If faith played a central role in your identity and worldview, leaving it behind can lead to a period of spiritual confusion or existential anxiety.
You may wrestle with big questions about meaning, purpose, and morality as you work to build a new framework for understanding life.
9. Hypervigilance Around Authority Figures
Being under the control of a religious leader or system can make you wary of authority figures in other contexts.
You might feel skeptical, defensive, or even panicked in situations where someone holds power over you, like at work or in other hierarchical settings.
10. Residual Fear of Surveillance or Judgment
The concept of an all-knowing, ever-watching deity can leave a mark, even after you no longer believe.
Many people struggle with the sense that they’re constantly being judged or monitored, which can create anxiety or discomfort, especially in moments of vulnerability.
Conclusion: Taking Steps Toward Healing
Recognizing the lingering effects of an authoritarian religion and a narcissistic version of god can feel heavy, but it’s important to remember that awareness and “connecting the dots” is an essential step in the religious harm recovery process.
You didn’t choose the environment you were raised in, but now you have the opportunity to create a life where your thoughts, feelings, and boundaries matter.
However, healing is a process, and it’s important to move at your own pace.
Also keep in mind that you don’t have to navigate this alone.
Whether through therapy, religious harm recovery coaching, or connecting with others who’ve had similar experiences, there is support available to help you cultivate a healthier “next chapter” in your life.
Questions to Help You Go Deeper
Here are a couple questions you can reflect on in your journal or bring to your next therapy session.
These are designed to help you explore your experiences and begin reclaiming your sense of self in the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissistic god.
- What emotions—like fear, guilt, or shame—do you associate with questioning authority or making independent decisions, and where do you think those feelings come from?
- In what ways were you encouraged to suppress your needs, desires, or boundaries to stay ‘in god’s will,’ and how has that impacted your relationships now?
Taking time to explore these questions can help you unpack old beliefs and begin to rebuild a healthier relationship with yourself and others.
Healing from religious harm is often about reclaiming your ability to trust your inner voice and creating a life aligned with your values—without fear, shame, or judgment holding you back.
If this post resonated with you, consider sharing it with someone who might need it.
Healing is hard work, but together, we can create space for growth, authenticity, and freedom.
What To Do Next:
We covered quite a bit of information in this article. If you’re wondering what to do next, consider the following…
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One thing I would definitely encourage you to do is to check out my private Facebook group for folks recovering from religious harm and spiritual abuse:
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