Woman on couch with face resting on hand experiencing anger as an outcome of religious trauma

4 Stages of Anger Connected to Religious Trauma

ByMegan Von Fricken
Pinterest image with the caption "4 stages of anger related to religious trauma"

This article discusses the four stages of anger that people may experience after leaving a high-control religion.

It highlights how anger is often a natural response to the psychological impact of indoctrination and emphasizes the connection between anger and grief during this transition.

Additionally, it provides practical strategies for managing anger at each stage, promoting personal growth and healing in the aftermath of religious trauma.

Leaving a high-control religion often brings up a wide range of emotions, and anger tends to be one of the hardest to navigate for most folks.

This is because many of us were taught that anger was dangerous, sinful, or even a sign of spiritual weakness.

But anger, like any other emotion, is neutral—neither good nor bad in itself.

It’s how we respond to and understand our anger that determines whether it helps or harms us.

In this blog post, we’ll explore the stages of anger that often arise during religious deconversion, while also honoring the grief and loss many of us feel as we process our past.

What We’ll Be Covering:

Understanding Anger in the Context of Religious Trauma

Anger often comes raging to the forefront when we leave a high-control religion because of the psychological impact of indoctrination.

This is because high-control religions typically enforce rigid beliefs and practices that leave little room for personal autonomy or emotional expression.

As a result, anger can be a natural and powerful response to the realization of how these beliefs have affected your life.

Many folks who were raised in such environments were taught to suppress their emotions, particularly anger, which was seen as a sign of spiritual weakness or disobedience.

This suppression can lead to an intense buildup of unresolved anger that surfaces once they begin questioning or leaving the religion.

Understanding this context helps frame anger not as a flaw but as a natural reaction to the emotional and psychological harm inflicted by the toxic religious environment.

The Connection Between Anger & Grief

Something that’s important to understand is that anger is often a companion to grief.

As you read through the stages of anger outlined below, consider how you’re also grieving the loss of the life, community, and identity you once had.

Honoring this grief is essential because it’s part of what makes anger so intense.

You’re not just angry at what happened—you’re mourning what could have been and what should have been.

Grieving the loss of a religious identity, of relationships that can no longer sustain you, and of the self that was silenced for so long is a critical part of religious harm recovery.

Through this process, anger begins to transform from a destructive force into a protective one, guiding you toward a life that aligns with your true self.

Understanding and navigating anger after leaving a high-control religion involves recognizing that it typically unfolds in stages, each reflecting different aspects of the emotional journey.

The reason it tends to emerge so strongly once you begin the process of deconverting is because anger is either suppressed or denied during religious indoctrination.

The stages of anger—repressed anger, flooding anger, mobilizing anger, and indicating anger—each play a role in the process of deconstructing past beliefs and healing from the effects of religious control.

These stages not only highlight the intensity of the emotional experience but also offer a pathway to understanding and managing anger in a way that promotes personal growth and recovery.

Stage 1: Repressed Anger

For many who grew up in controlling religious environments, as well as for those indoctrinated as adults, anger was something to fear or avoid.

The only form of anger that may have been deemed acceptable was “righteous anger,” directed outward toward perceived sin or injustice, usually in the context of religious teachings.

But any personal anger—especially anger at authority figures or religious practices—was repressed.

This repression disconnects us from our true emotions and fosters internal conflict.

Repressing anger for years can create deep wounds.

It’s not just the suppression of emotion, but the loss of your own voice.

Grief often comes from realizing how much of yourself was silenced in order to conform to religious ideals.

Allowing yourself to recognize and experience this grief, though painful, is a necessary step in the journey toward reclaiming your emotional life.

In this stage, anger might sound like:

  • I’m probably overreacting.
  • If I were more spiritual, this wouldn’t bother me.
  • I shouldn’t be angry at them—they were just doing what they thought was right.

For many folks leaving a high-control religion, this is the first time emotions like anger, sadness, and fear are allowed to simply be information.

Instead of asking, “Is this emotion sinful?” you start asking, “What is this feeling trying to tell me about what I need, what I value, or what feels unsafe?”

Reclaiming your emotional life means your inner world is no longer policed by doctrine, but guided by your own values, body, and lived experience.

Stage 2: Flooding Anger

As you begin to deconstruct your beliefs and recognize the harm that was done, anger can come flooding in, perhaps even catching you off guard.

This is the stage where the dam breaks, and years of suppressed feelings pour out all at once.

It’s overwhelming—anger at the religious system, at the people who enforced it, and even at yourself for having been part of it.

At this stage, grief and anger are deeply intertwined.

The anger may feel like it’s consuming you, but underneath it is the grief of realizing what you lost: the time, relationships, and sense of self that were sacrificed to maintain religious obedience.

If you’re currently feeling stuck in the overwhelm of your anger (or maybe even shut down in the face of its intensity), know that this is normal.

In this stage, thoughts might sound like:

  • How could they do this to me and call it love?
  • I wasted so many years on this.
  • I can’t believe I told other people the same harmful messages.

These types of thoughts are a sign that you’re processing years of complex emotions, and that will simply take time.

Stage 3: Mobilizing Anger

Once the initial wave of anger subsides, a new kind of anger can emerge—one that’s mobilizing.

This anger says, “I need to do something about this.”

It’s the anger that moves you to set boundaries with toxic people, to speak out about your experience, or to take action toward your healing.

While this mobilizing anger can be a powerful force for change, it’s important to pace yourself.

It’s easy to burn out when you’re driven by a desire to right all the wrongs at once.

This stage also carries its own grief—the grief of realizing that some things can’t be undone.

The relationships you thought might heal may not, and the justice you seek may take time (or may not be possible).

In this stage, it’s super-important to find balance between action and self-compassion.

Your anger here might sound like:

  • I can’t stay quiet about this anymore.
  • I need to draw a line, even if people won’t like it.
  • I can’t keep sacrificing myself to keep everyone else comfortable.

This stage is where anger becomes a tool for change by helping you advocate for yourself, speak your truth, and actively work toward a life that reflects your values rather than someone else’s rules.

Stage 4: Indicating Anger

Over time, as you continue healing, anger can become less overwhelming and more of an indicator.

It no longer overwhelms or controls you, but serves as valuable information, signaling when something needs to change or a boundary has been crossed.

At this stage, your inner dialogue might sound more like:

  • I notice I’m getting angry—that probably means a boundary is being crossed.
  • Something about this conversation feels familiar to how I was treated in my old church.
  • My anger is telling me I need space or a firmer no here.

This is a more integrated way of experiencing anger, where you’re able to listen to it without letting it take over.

In this stage, grief may show up in subtler ways, as you mourn the parts of yourself that had to be defended for so long.

You may grieve the lost years when you weren’t able to honor your own emotions, or the relationships that couldn’t withstand your growth.

But there’s also a sense of peace in knowing that anger can serve you, rather than control you.

Practical Strategies for Managing Each Stage of Anger

Managing anger at each stage requires different approaches.

You may notice yourself moving back and forth between stages rather than progressing in a straight line, and that’s completely normal.

The goal isn’t to “do anger perfectly,” but to have a few tools you can reach for when it feels intense or confusing.

Coping with Repressed Anger

When you’ve spent years shutting anger down, it can feel confusing to even know where to start. Rather than forcing yourself to “fix it,” it can help to gently create space for this anger to be seen and named.

What can help:

  • Journaling and self-reflection to name emotions you were taught to suppress.
  • Therapy, particularly approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) or somatic experiencing, to explore and safely express repressed anger.

A simple practice to try:

Choose one memory where you suspect you “shouldn’t” have felt angry (for example, a time you questioned a leader or teaching). Then, in a journal, finish these sentences:

  • “A part of me was angry because…”
  • “If that anger could speak freely, it would say…”

You don’t have to agree with what comes up. The goal is simply to let the anger have a voice on the page.

Coping with Flooding Anger

When anger feels like it’s crashing over you, the priority isn’t to analyze it but to help your body feel a little safer in the moment.

From there, you can begin to bring in support and tools that make the overwhelm more manageable.

What can help:

  • Mindfulness and grounding techniques to help regulate your nervous system when emotions surge.
  • Seeking support from a therapist or support group so you don’t have to hold these feelings alone.

A simple practice to try:

When anger feels like it’s taking over, try a brief grounding sequence:

  • Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
  • Then place a hand on your chest or belly and say to yourself, “It makes sense that I feel this angry, given what I went through.”

This does not erase the anger, but it can bring your body down from a 10/10 to something more manageable.

Coping with Mobilizing Anger

Once anger starts to mobilize you, it can be a powerful force for change, but it can also push you toward doing too much, too fast.

Having a few grounding practices can help you harness this energy without burning yourself out.

What can help:

  • Setting realistic goals for action and establishing boundaries to prevent burnout.
  • Engaging in advocacy or creative projects that channel your anger into constructive change.

A simple practice to try:

When you feel that “I need to do something” energy, ask yourself:

  • “What is one small action I can take in the next week that honors this anger?”
  • “What is one way I can rest or care for myself while I do it?”

You might decide to unfollow a harmful account, have a hard conversation with someone safe, or write about your experience.

The pairing of action + care helps mobilizing anger fuel change without consuming you.

Tuning In to Indicating Anger

When anger shows up more as an indicator than a tidal wave, it becomes a signal you can learn from rather than something that runs the show. At this stage, the work is about staying curious and responsive to what your anger is trying to tell you.

What can help:

  • Practicing self-awareness so you can notice anger early, before it builds to overwhelm.
  • Developing strategies to listen to your anger without letting it control you.
  • Understanding anger as a “part” can help you get to know it and listen to what it’s telling you, rather than letting it take over.

A simple way to work with anger as a ‘part’:

When you notice anger start to show up, you can practice relating to it as a part of you, not the whole you:

  • Name the part with some distance. Instead of “I am angry,” try “A part of me is really angry right now.”
  • Get curious, not judgmental. Ask inside:
  • “What are you trying to protect me from?”
  • “What feels hurt, disrespected, or unsafe right now?”
  • Thank the part and choose your response.
  • You might say internally, “Thank you for letting me know something feels off.”
  • Then decide what to do with that information—set a boundary, slow down the conversation, step away to regulate, or bring it to therapy or journaling later.

Over time, this kind of practice helps anger feel less like something that hijacks you and more like a signal that you can listen to and respond to on your own terms.

  • The language of “parts” comes from Internal Family Systems theory. You can learn more about how to work with your parts via the book: No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

Long-Term Healing and Growth

Anger, when understood and integrated, can be a catalyst for long-term personal growth and healing.

Moving through the four stages of anger allows for a deeper understanding of yourself and your needs.

And it can lead to a more authentic and fulfilling life, free from the constraints of past religious teachings.

Also, embracing anger as part of your healing journey helps reclaim your emotional well-being and rebuild a sense of self that aligns with your true values.

Healing is a continuous process, and each step taken is a move toward greater personal wholeness and fulfillment.

By recognizing the stages of anger and honoring your grief, you’re reclaiming the power over your own life, moving forward with clarity, and and recovering in a way that’s aligned with your authentic self.

Some Possible Next Steps:

If this article resonated with you and you’re wondering where to go from here, you might consider the following options:

If you’re ready to do some focused work around religious deprogramming or nervous-system recovery, and you want to work with someone who “gets it,” you might consider working with me one on one.

I am a trained psychotherapist and now offer clinically-informed coaching for clients world-wide who are trying to make sense of their experience with religious indoctrination and heal at a deeper level.

Learn More

If you found value in this post, consider sharing it to your favorite social media platform or send it directly to a friend who could benefit from the content.

Religious harm thrives in the dark, so the more we can all work together to shine a light on some of these issues, the more likely it is that others will find the same freedom from coercive control that we have found.

The Religious Harm Recovery Community is place to get connected with ongoing support.

  • On Mondays, you’ll receive A Note From Megan, where I share personal stories, reflections, and lessons from my own recovery after high‑control religion.
  • On Fridays, you’ll get the Religious Harm Recovery Digest, an educational newsletter on themes like religious trauma, purity culture, childhood indoctrination, and more.

Both newsletters are designed specifically for folks recovering from religious indoctrination.

The community is currently evolving and getting connected to the weekly emails is the best way to stay informed about what’s currently available and what’s on the horizon.

Learn More

Related Articles: