“I’ll pray for you,” he said.
Is it manipulation, self-soothing, or genuine care?
A Note From Megan | Publication Date: December 15th, 2025
It probably comes as no surprise to you that I occasionally get random messages from strangers on the internet who tell me they’ll pray for me.
Sometimes this declaration of “intent to pray” follows a brief statement about their disgust towards me or my work.
Other times, it’s couched in an air of pious paternalism, generally noting some type of fear for my eternal soul.
And every once in a very rare while, the message is respectful and the sender seems to be genuinely full of care and concern.
I recognize that since my work is very public and revolves around religious harm recovery, it inevitably opens me up to these kinds of messages.
But I also know that many members of my community will also receive similar variations of the “I’ll pray for you” messages from concerned family or friends, or even from exceptionally pious church members who believe it’s their Christian duty to try to guide this wayward sheep back onto the straight and narrow.
Given this is such a common experience for those of us who have left a high-control religion, I wanted to talk about the three types of people who tend to send these messages, how I respond to them, and how you might consider responding as well.
In reflecting on these “I’ll pray for you” messages, I have come to realize that this phrase can be motivated by three very different things: manipulation, self-soothing, or genuine care.
When different people use the phrase “I’ll pray for you,” the words are the same, but the function isn’t.
What matters more than the phrase itself is what the message is doing.
That’s where the lens of manipulation, self-soothing, or genuine care becomes helpful.
Using this phrase as manipulation
This first type is usually the easiest to feel in your body.
The phrase “I’ll pray for you” often follows criticism, disgust, or moral judgment, and sometimes it’s even paired with scripture or a warning about the fate of your eternal soul.
Because of how blatantly disrespectful these messages tend to be, it probably activates more anger in your nervous system than confusion or compassion.
This is because the sender is placing themselves in a position of spiritual authority and positioning you as deficient, deceived, or dangerous.
Their commitment to praying for you thus functions less as a spiritual practice and more as a way to reassert certainty and dominance.
In these cases, I don’t engage.
I recognize that this is a deeply indoctrinated person whose subservience to their own religious framework is driving their behavior to coerce and control others.
If you receive messages like this, it’s worth remembering:
Using this phrase as a way to self-sooth
This second type is more complicated, especially when it comes from people we know and care about.
Here, the tone is often concerned rather than hostile.
The person who says “I’ll pray for you” may truly believe they’re acting out of love. They’re worried about your soul, your future, or where this path leads.
What’s underneath these messages is often fear.
Your choices challenge their worldview, and your healing threatens the story they’ve been taught about safety, obedience, and salvation.
Prayer becomes a way for them to calm their own anxiety and restore internal order.
This is where things can become especially tricky, because care and harm can coexist.
Someone can love you and still be unable to tolerate your autonomy.
My response here depends on the relationship and my overall emotional and mental capacity at the time they say this to me.
Sometimes I offer a brief acknowledgment without engaging their motivation or word choice. Sometimes I set a gentle boundary. Sometimes I choose not to respond at all.
If you’re navigating this with family or friends, a few reminders may help:
Using this phrase as a way to express genuine care
This third type is rare, but it does exist.
In these messages, there is no correction attached. No warning. No attempt to steer you back toward anything.
The sender respects your autonomy and does not require agreement in order to offer care.
Prayer here functions as language. It’s simply how they express concern, tenderness, or solidarity within their belief system.
When this happens, it tends to land differently for me. There’s no sense of being evaluated. And no pressure to perform or reassure.
When I receive messages like this, I decide case by case what feels right.
Sometimes I accept it at face value, translating it internally as “they’re thinking of me” or “they care about me.”
And sometimes I even respond with appreciation without endorsing the belief itself.
If you receive messages like this, a few reminders:
For myself, unless the person is being overtly aggressive or demeaning, I’m usually able to summon at least a degree of compassion for them.
In many cases, I’m able to step back and recognize that the comment, “I’ll pray for you,” usually comes from a good place, even if it still feels somewhat triggering or even a bit patronizing in the moment.
Lots of times, these folks have not developed the skills to cope with ordinary life without relying on an all-powerful deity to maintain control. So it’s natural they default to calling upon this deity whenever they encounter something challenging, including coping with the reality of a loved one who has “gone astray.”
Similarly, I try not to spend too much of my mental energy on the overtly nasty, vindictive folks.
It’s actually pretty tragic to me that they’re so wrapped up in spending their one precious life being self-righteous hate-mongers. It’s not a very peaceful or joyful way to live.
When I chat with folks in my community about how they deal with the “I’ll pray for you” comments, I get a variety of feedback, especially as people try to ascertain motivations prior to responding.
And I’m curious how you deal with these comments. What helps you discern whether it’s manipulation, self-soothing, or genuine care?
Please share in the comments below!