Thinking about anger a little differently
And why “getting to know it” can support recovery.
A Note From Megan | Publication Date: March 24th, 2026
The other day, I came across an excellent quote about anger that I wanted to share with you.
Anger holds a profound intelligence, one that speaks to what matters most to us. It is a compass pointing toward injustice, a signal that something needs to change. When we lean into this emotion with curiosity and care, it becomes a tool for clarity and action. Anger can help us articulate boundaries, call out harm, and stand firm against oppressive systems. In this way, anger is not the opposite of peace – it’s the fire that clears the way for it. (Juliet Diaz, The Alter Within, p 81-82)
Because of the way I was raised, it took me many years to get to a place where anger doesn’t feel like something I have to quickly suppress.
Understanding that anger is an emotion—separate from the behavior that sometimes accompanies it—was the first step in helping me to accept it as something neutral.
From there, through the work of Kristen Neff in her book Fierce Self-Compassion, my understanding of anger progressed to thinking of it as a source of information about boundary violations.
Kristen also talks about how anger can provide the energy to make necessary changes to uphold those boundaries.
But what I really appreciate about the quote I just shared with you at the beginning of this Note is that Juliet Diaz takes the concept of anger one step further. She identifies how anger can be used as both a source of wisdom and as a tool for achieving peace.
For those of us who were conditioned to be nice, to “turn the other cheek,” and to embrace suffering, this idea of leaning into anger with curiosity and allowing it to inform and even energize the actions we take may feel intense, scary, or even radical.
However, because of the way high-control religions insist you stay small, quiet, and compliant, leaning into anger often becomes an essential part of the recovery journey.
And to take it one step further, I would say leaning into the feeling of anger, even rage, and allowing it to drive aligned action is a radical act of resistance.
So in today’s Note, I want to share how I’ve been thinking about anger lately, especially as it relates to the process of deconverting from a high-control religion.
As mentioned above, it’s common for people who were raised in authoritarian settings (home and church) to fear and avoid anger.
However, it’s also common for people who have started deconstructing their faith to feel stuck in their anger and to wonder if they’ll ever “get through it.” And this makes a lot of sense.
After leaving a high-control religion and recognizing all the ways it hurt you, you may have no problem tapping into a deep well of rage, but you also feel like you don’t want to be angry forever.
I can also relate to that experience, especially when I think of the “lost years” of my childhood or adolescence where I was completely isolated from “the world.”
Those are years and lost opportunities that can never be recovered, and reflecting on that can still spark anger in me.
But now as I turn my attention to Juliet Diaz’s statement about anger, it’s helping me, once again, view this complex emotion through a different lens—not only is anger an emotion or information, it’s also a tool.
One reason I like thinking of anger as a tool is that it helps me relate to anger as something separate from my essential Self. This is somewhat similar to the way Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) views anger—as a “part.”
I have found IFS to be an incredibly helpful framework for my own personal healing as well as in my one-on-one work with clients.
Befriending anger as a separate “part” that contains innate wisdom and “profound intelligence” allows you to move toward it on your own terms.
You can learn from it and also lean into it to help you make changes in your own life that support your health and recovery.
Additionally, it can give you the courage and motivation to advocate for the collective good and to dismantle the systems of oppression that have harmed you and others.
While a lot of therapists will talk about anger as an emotion or nervous system dysregulation, I love the idea of thinking about anger as a “part.”
Yes, sometimes our angry part “takes over” and our nervous system becomes wildly dysregulated, but this part can also continue to exist outside of us as something we can tap into or connect with as needed.
I’ve learned that I actually have a couple different angry “parts,” and I’ve gotten to know them pretty well at this point.
One is a “rage” part that comes roaring to the surface when it feels like I’m being silenced. And another of my angry parts is closely connected to grief—this part validates me and lets me know that the things I experienced in childhood really weren’t ok.
The unique combination of your religious background, family of origin dynamics, cultural influences, and assigned gender role can significantly influence how you think about and experience anger.
And as you’re reading through this Note, I want you to know that, wherever you land with the topic of anger, it’s truly ok.
My goal with today’s Note is simply to offer another way of thinking about this complex emotion.
Here are a couple questions to help cultivate a bit more curiosity about your anger, in case that’s something you’re interested in.
Regardless of the framework we use to explore our anger, getting curious about where it comes from, what triggers it, and how it shows up is always helpful because anger is always going to be a part of our reality no matter how “healed” we become.