How to Untangle Religious Trauma from Family Trauma

Here’s the unfortunate reality when it comes to trying to untangle religious trauma from family trauma — you can’t.

This is because authoritarian religious structures, which often result in religious trauma for many folks, become fundamentally intertwined with the family system, creating family trauma.

You see, religious trauma negatively impacts the family system , creating patterns of dysfunction, abuse, and disruptions in healthy attachment relationships, all of which create family trauma.

To further complicate an already complicated matter, emotionally immature parents seem to gravitate towards authoritarian religious groups because these groups provide them with clear guidance on how to run their family.

In this way, the entire family system becomes dependent on the toxic structure that’s creating religious trauma and further family dysfunction.

Here’s the thing, though, while it’s impossible to untangle religious trauma from family trauma, we CAN make sense of it.

The Self-Perpetuating Cycle of Religious Trauma & Family Trauma

There’s actually a pretty predictable pattern to all this.

When you’re able to understand the pattern, you can take steps to break the cycle and heal from both religious trauma and family trauma simultaneously.

1. We Seek Out What Feels Familiar

Parents with unhealed trauma of their own often gravitate towards high control religions because it feels familiar to the authoritarian and controlling family structure they were probably raised in themselves.

This was absolutely the case in my family.

Both of my parents entered their marriage with profound trauma from their family of origin.

And they both had angry, authoritarian fathers and submissive mothers .

Neither one of them came into the marriage with healthy coping tools, communication skills or an awareness of how to handle conflict in a healthy way.

Here’s that really sad thing.

Even though both of my parents had very painful childhoods, they were unconsciously drawn back into an authoritarian structure after leaving their family of origin.

2. Religion Provides a Framework

Because my parents weren’t exposed to a healthy model for how to raise a family, they gravitated towards religion to fill in the gaps of what was missing.

And when they discovered a church that assured them that all they needed to do to have a happy, Christian family was to follow the doctrine of Evangelical Christianity, they dove in head first.

High control, high demand religions, such as the fundamentalist Evangelical churches my family attended, provide a very specific framework on how to live life and parent children .

By joining this group, my parents were able to completely bypass working through the patterns of family dysfunction they were raised in and, instead, adopted a whole new authoritarian structure to guide and direct them.

Church doctrine and leaders became their new surrogate parents in a sense.

And it worked well for them since they were already used to being embedded in a toxic system of control (their families of origin).

3. The Trauma Cycle is Reinforced

Here’s the problem, though.

All this did was reinforce the original patterns of family trauma that my parents brought into their marriage.

As they embraced the demands of this system, their originals traumas were reactivated over and over again .

This resulted in emotionally detached and punitive parenting practices, making my siblings and I the secondary victims of their unresolved trauma .

This also began generating religious trauma in us since the bible and religious doctrine were often weaponized to exert their control and suppress our autonomy.

4. A Trauma Bond Is Formed

Since families with unhealed trauma become dependent on the very system that is constantly perpetuating and re-activating their trauma, they end up forming a strong attachment to it and end up defending the very thing that’s harming them .

The thought of stepping away from the rules and structures of the authoritarian system is terrifying.

Not only do they have no idea how to function outside these parameters since they never addressed their family of origin trauma, but they’ve absorbed fearful messages from the religion itself about what will happen if they leave the group.

In this way, the “outside world” seems to be more dangerous than what’s happening within the group itself.

So they stay.

5 Steps to Help You Break the Trauma Bond

Here’s the good news for you, though.

YOU can get out.

And you CAN heal from all the trauma.

Here are a few steps to help you get started.

1. Educate Yourself

Learning about religious trauma, authoritarianism, and the impact of high-control religious environments is essential for helping understand the layers of dysfunction and trauma in your family system.

2. Seek Professional Support

Consider therapy or counseling with a focus on religious trauma and seek out trauma-informed therapists.

You can find out more about working with me HERE.

3. Establish Healthy Boundaries

Establish healthy boundaries with family members and religious institutions.

This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to “cut people off.”

But many people need at least a period of time and space away from the source of their harm in order to “detox.”

4. Foster Critical Thinking

Authoritarian religions and families both work overtime to shut down your critical thinking skills.

They want family members and followers who are compliant.

Because of this, you may have to be intentional about fostering critical thinking skills, so you can figure out what you believe for yourself and why you believe it.

5. Prioritize Self-Care

In authoritarian systems, the self is chronically neglected.

It’s time to start caring for you for once.

This can look like taking breaks when needed, setting boundaries with others, engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation, and seeking out support from loved ones or professionals.